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Fun With Christmas Letters

 

Below is re-typed from the original version, it wouldn't scan well enough to read.

 

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Season's Greetings!!!

It is time once again to let you in on some of our family activities, and wish you a merry Christmas.

 

Well, for a year that began with our little darling boy Robert smearing human feces on the wall, it has gotten better.  He has progressed to announcing his intention to smear is poop, instead of just doing it without telling us.  We decided that it would be a good family activity to spell words and make pictures with Robert's byproducts to help them learn new phrases and develop communication skills.

 

Speaking of communications skills, my beautiful daughter, Hillary, is no longer talking to herself.  She actually talks to us now, we thought she was mute (or is it moot, ha ha).  The voice that tell her to kill her stuffed animals, especially her Free Willy doll, no longer irritate her in the night.  We managed to stop her a few times from stabbing her dolls to death.  I would hate to be her boyfriend, when she is older, since irritating her might lead to cutting it off, just like Lorena Bobbitt.  We all know Hillary is a cut above the rest.

 

Richard is doing well in his special education class.  We all know that he is an arrogant kid (he thinks the only reason why they call it special education is because he is in the class).  He still thinks the world revolves around him.  He's lying, it revolves around me.  We got him a Mr. Potato Head toy for his birthday, and since he is so conceited we had to celebrate it for the entire f%^!&ing week (like Mardi Gras, except we couldn't get smashed).  He keeps dressing that damn conehead as himself, and I must confess that Mr. Potato Head, along with my cute boy, looks like a dork!  He keeps asking me to peel him and dress him up so (rest of line is obliterated in crease).

 

All of my youngins like to ride the washer when it is in the spin cycle.  It's the lastes amusement park ride for them.  The only problem is that the shaking evokes rude and vulgar sexual comments from them.  Robert's favorite is "suck it!" and "f*&!k iy," and his teacher says he has a fourth grade vocabulary.  I guess that's in dirty words!

 

My wonderful husband Rick is spending too much time at home.  He was here for 10 whole stinking minutes yesterday reading the newspaper and preparing for work.  His work now consists of a swuite of musical activities including, but not limited to: symphony orchestration, musical theory and method implementation, chamber music performance, composition writing and development, conductor ass kissing, student maturation, and total quality management.  He is excelling in all of these activities, but he still can't tie his shoes.  Oh well, a Master's degree can't make you master of everything.

 

Then there is my boy Vincent, who runs track and field and gets raving remarks from his teachers.  His physical education teacher remarked that "Vince is a pleasure to have in my class."  Hmmmm, I wonder what that means.  Then again, Maryland has been experiencing a rash of teacher sexual misconduct cases performed by teachers.

 

(Next paragraph is slightly interpreted due to "creasing issues")

 

However, most teachers point out that his extreme white supremist views do not mesh well in a politically correct school.  Not one to suppress his own views, last week he burned a cross in the cafeteria.  Needless to say, there were "other" people in the cafeteria who did not find that amusing.  Neither did the principal who suspended my darling boy for a week.  But that's okay, Vincent just held white supremacist rallies every night that week and the attendance was astounding, but I think the free beer helped.  He is thinking of gathering a few of his skinhead friends and going on a field trip in Mississippi.  I wonder what they will do down there?

 

Finally, there is our oldest boy, Mario, who works in a dead end government contracting job.  He has very low self-esteem since he feels that my taxes subsidize his job, meaning that he thinks he works for me.  He still puts his shoes on the wrong feet.  What an idiot, he's stupid.

 

He still drinks a case of beer a day.  He claims that beer is good for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  But that is the only thing he consumes, besides vodka, rum, tequila, whiskey, and scotch.  I tried giving him an apple yesterday, but he asked if it had any alcohol in it, so I fermented it.  I did get him to eat rum cake, so at least he got a little fiber.  I tried getting him to attend AA meetings, but he said he didn't own a car (but after 20 beers, he thinks he does).  I just hope that 25 drinks a day is good for you!

 

Our dogs, Dixie and Ferdie, are doing well.  They hump each other constantly even though both of them are fixed.  It's aggravating to watch them boning each other when I'm vacuuming the living room.  At least there are no wet spots in the house!  To make matters worse, they are constantly harassing one of our neighbors.  Last summer, they stole tomato cages from his shed, those clever canines!  I used all of them for MY tomatoes.  Just this evening they allegedly destroyed a rainspout, moved mountains, left topsoil, and crapped in the neighbor's yard.  I think they should go into landscape architecture, but the neighbor thinks they should get gassed.  What do you think? Call (410)-667-9288, ext DOG (364 in case you are like my kids and can't spell).

 

As for wonderful me, I am exploring the OTHER side.  I have met a very wonderful, beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, and adventurous person who has revealed to me a part of my inner soul that I never knew existed.  I feel this person has changed my life and I am looking forward to exploring new horizons and broadening my perspective with her.

 

Also, I am taking an American Sign Language Class.  I have learned many new hand signs for many exquisite English words, like dumb S^%&*t, F^*$&k you, and A%#@(ole.  Talking with my husband, like spending quality time with him, makes me wish I were deaf.  The other problem is that every time I sign to my husband, he thinks I'm giving him a sexual advance, dummy.  At any write, next year's letters will be via tty only.

 

Rick bought the following:  a 35 foot motorhome that looks good on TV, 2 conversion vans, 734 halogen lamps, 344,212 clocks, 69 telephones that don't work (for our 334 telephone lines), 14 microwaves, 356 expired pies and pastries, and a scratch and dent football team from BEST.  He said if anybody was going to bring a football team to Baltimore, it was going to be him.  What a guy!  And I'm married to him.  Pinch me, am I dreaming?

 

So here's to another exciting and hectic year!  All we know is that we'll be smashed and %@&^*-faced this holiday season.  Merry Christmas to all and have a damn good year!

 

Merry Christmas Ya'll!

 

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Listed below are two others….wonderfully comical!

 

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Merry Christmas to ALL and to ALL a GOOD NIGHT!